Dealing with a Co-Worker Who Plays the Victim

An audience member asks Dr. Bev how to deal with a co-worker who's always complaining and its never her fault. Dr. Bev explains how playing the victim is a losing proposition. She shares helpful tips for working with and working around that frustrating person with the victim mentality.

Female: I have a co-worker and nothing is ever her fault, I mean any mistakes that she makes or because somebody else screwed it up. I’m just tired of rapport me attitude, why that she always have to be a victim. Dr. Beth Smallwood: It really is frustrating to deal with someone who’s always playing the victim. I have those people in my life and it is no fun. So I am going to talk to you about what to do with the co-worker like that but first let’s try to understand a little bit about what actually happens with someone who is acting in that way and why they act that way and then will talk about what to do about it. First of all just describing a victim, I mean you could do it I’m sure by interacting with this co-worker. Victims complained more than they act, they’re always having a pity party and they are not responsible, they are not to blame, they’re never to blame and if there not to blame then somebody else is and they’re always looking for someone else to take that responsibility and I don’t know about you but this seems like a terrible way to live for me, it really gives such a poor attitude and affects there performance and affects the attitudes of everyone around them about that. But why on earth with someone do that, will you know what when you think about it, it’s kind inconvenient because they don’t have to take responsibility themselves they can feel surprise just in just to buy because after all they are not to blame someone else is. And it’s really away to get some sympathy for awhile not for a long while. Because after while they where that people out and people don’t want to be aware of them. So if that is the case then we have to know what’s the difference between victimhood and responsibility and how can you get someone around you to know that’s difference and actually takes some responsibility. Always think about the experience I had, I live here in the deep self and we are in the hurricane that destroyed so many hangs in lives and as psychologist I was working as a health worker in the evacuation center and I remember one particular woman who was always coming up to the desk and she has a complied a minute. I can believe you give a size 7 ½ shoes when I told you I were seven she say it and I remember to say that and this is the third day in the row we feed chicken. But I remember another couple, who would up to the desk and one day they came and I said you know what we’ve notice, that the bathrooms here are really dirty, what if we clean the bathrooms once an hour. My husband will clean the men’s room I will clean the ladies room. Those were people who were taking responsibility they were devastated just like the other lady but they have a different attitude, they will do in all they could with all they had where thy were at that time and that’s what responsibility is, doing all you can with all you have where you are right now. And I certainly hope that’s the way you approach it but not so your co-worker. So let’s talk about some ways to deal with that co-worker. First of all don’t letter C you sweat. People who have that kind of complaining and victim like attitude sometime secretly can little bit a pleasure and saying that others are kind of rumpled so don’t give here that pleasure. The second thing I was suggest to you is when she starts complaining and she starts blaming model what you want her to do. Take responsibility of you have some part in it and acknowledge what that is but then also point out the things that are within her control and say let’s work together to get that done. I can’t do this and you can do that or to solve that problem we’re to keep that from happening again. If that doesn’t work you may need to go and talk with your manager but don’t just go and start complaining like your co-worker does by saying, she’s always complaining, she’s always acting like a victim don’t just give a general complaint but instead think about specific incidence, specific example that you can share with your manager and how her behavior affected that the teams ability to get the job done or affected teamwork itself. And ask for your manager’s help or ask for suggestion from you manager about how to handle it and hopefully that will help but if it doesn’t then you have another option. And that is use a little behavior modification and maybe just like you would do with your own child. Remember this principle, behavior that get’s rewarded gets repeated so don’t reward that kind of behavior when she is complaining and blaming just look the other way and go on about your business and hopefully others will do the same don’t give that attention. But if you catch here taking a responsibility or acknowledging maybe her part in something give her a big smile and give her as many compliments as possible in other words lift that bring positive attention. And now you’re saying what? Shouldn’t have to do behavior modification like you would with the child this is suppose to be an adult, I get it but you know what her behavior is getting under your skin. And the last thing I will say to you is, do not give this woman power over you and don’t let her rub you of your own positive attitude. She can start to become so irritating because listen you become irritable and that’s not what you want to have so you make a choice about how you’re going to deal with this and don’t give her power over you in your own attitude. Will that’s it for today and we thank you so much for joining as at the magnetic workplace to show. I’m Dr. Beth Smallwood and will see you next time.