Honest Criticism in Relationships

Doesn't honest criticism get your partner to change?

Host: Doesn’t honest criticism get your partner to change? Chris Wright: Honest criticism can’t get your partner to change but I want you to be aware that you could be losing something that is precious and having a heartfelt connection together. I mean, there is a big difference between being critical and complaining and shaming your partner, intimidating your partner to get your needs met. First is empowering your partner, supporting your partner to change in ways that would meet your needs. In our marriage, I want us both to be committed, to being responsive to each other needs and to empower and support each other to make those changes that are necessary. Criticism and criticality in making the partner wrong may backfire. I mean, can contrast this, look and see in your vocabulary, how many empowerment words to use. Look at this list on the chart that you have up. I mean, look and see in your vocabulary to use things like I appreciate. It makes such a difference if I know it’s not easy. Your perseverance is great. You’re important here, do it your way, have fun. You can be our hero. It means a lot to me. Thank you. I wanted to give you this gift of appreciation. I mean these are powerful messages that motivate. If you do the opposite and criticize and demean or cause the person to contract. I mean, after all in their world, what they do make sense and so you can only set up a barrier resistance, that sort of erodes their goodwill and if they take a stand and defend to their world, now it’s turning into an argument. Here you are trying to criticize in order to get them to change to meet your needs instead they are becoming more rigid, more sense of feeling, offended by what you did and so neither needs are being met in the process and so it becomes important for you to learn how to express your needs in a way that empowers and supports your partner to make the changes necessary.